Reflection
by Jedi Princess Jainakin
Summary: Padme thinks about the decisions she's made as she waits for her Jedi protectors. AOTC.


**a.n. I know I haven't written anything for about a month and I should be working on my other stories. That being said, I am in kind of a down mood so I needed something to write. This is the result. Please Read, Review, and Enjoy. As always, all recognizable names, places, etc. do not belong to me but to George.**

Reflection

Another attempt on my life. Another report of my death. Another thing to clear up in the Senate. It's getting pretty tiring. Why do I keep going on? Why must I trudge along and act as if everything is okay when it really isn't? Is this my lot in life? Have I been subjected to this position for the remainder of my time in this galaxy? What about what I want? When is that going to happen?

Sure, I may seem like I have everything under control and that I am where I want to be at this point in my life. That stoic Senator's face I put on every morning and take off every night fools just about everybody. Including myself.

But no, this is not what I want my life to be like. I don't want to wake up alone every morning in a cold, empty bed. I don't want to have my handmaidens help me to dress myself for work every day. I don't want to have to deal with all the noise and commotion of the Senate hall every afternoon and have it grate my nerves. I don't want to finish a long day at work only to come home to an empty apartment, aside from my handmaidens and security detail, with no one home to welcome me with warm open arms. Who wants that?

When I was a young girl, of course I had every fantasy that every little girl had. Of course I dreamed of someday growing up and marrying my prince in shining armor. Of course I dreamed of having a large family with a lot of little children running around. Of course I dreamed of growing old together with my husband. Of course I dreamed of long, lazy days and warm, cozy nights with my love always by my side.

But that was a fantasy. This is real life.

In real life, the universe doesn't work that way. In real life, I had to grow up quickly, forgoing those childish hopes and dreams in order to focus on my career and the needs of my people. No, I don't regret anything I have done. I have helped many people. I have helped my planet. I have helped people that I love and care about. And now, I am trying to help the galaxy.

But I do wish that just once I could taste that life that I have always dreamed about, the life that my sister so cherishes. I know she and mother always hope that I will retire from this lifestyle some day. I know that they want me to settle down with some nice young man and raise a family. Heck, I want that too and I can't help but be jealous every time I see my sister with her family, laughing and having fun together. I envy the life that she has with her husband and two little girls. I wonder if she knows how much I want what she has.

I still have hope that somewhere in the future I myself will find what she has. I want to find that love and that life that so eludes me. I do enjoy my work, I truly do. But there is that feminine urge inside of me that wishes for more, much more than I have ever been able to accomplish so far in life. I do have to wonder though if there will ever be time in my life for what I so desperately seek. Will I have to give up the work that I enjoy in order to gain the life I want to have? Will I have to sacrifice my people and my life now to indulge myself in something I haven't yet experienced, though I desperately want it?

Oh, the decisions I have to make.

If I don't, will I still be able to find love? Can I juggle a career with a family? Will I find my tall, dark, and handsome prince who'll sweep me off my feet? Will we love each other so thoroughly and completely that we will wonder how one of us got along without the other?

The answers to these and so many other questions elude me. This is one of the only times in my life where I am uncertain about the next course of action. I do not want to give up all of my hard work, but must I in order to get the love and the life that I am so envious of?

But there will be time for reflection on that later. Right now, I must go greet my Jedi visitors. I don't believe I will need them, but I am not going to argue with either the Chancellor or the Jedi Council on this one; I know I will lose. Perhaps, with the extra security around here, I won't have to worry myself too much and I will be able to find the answers to these questions.

Or maybe the answers will find me.


End file.
